A Note to Moms About Middle School & What Matters Most

 

By Kimberly Inskeep

When asked, “What was the best time of your life?” I’ve never heard someone answer, “middle school.” Girls often refer to it as the worst time of their lives. I watched my own daughter glide through it fairly well—and yet even she looks back and describes it as “the worst.” Why?

Because everything is changing. Her body, her emotions, her friend group, her interests, her sense of identity, even her relationship with you. It’s a swirl of transformation, often happening before she’s able to articulate what’s shifting inside.

I remember when my daughter was choosing her first real friend group and when she no longer wore what I picked for her. I remember when food began to play a different role.  And sports suddenly came with pressure instead of just play.

She didn’t reject me—not exactly. But I wasn’t her go-to anymore...not her answer. And that stung.

That shift, whether subtle or sharp, catches most of us moms off guard. But it’s not just her becoming something new. We’re becoming something new, too. 

As we enter August, it’s that strange, in-between time. Summer is still swirling, but back to school is tapping on your shoulder. Whether your daughter is entering middle school this year or she’s still a few seasons away, this moment matters.

So, I’m writing this for you. Because with just a bit of reflection and intention, you can prepare for this time before it arrives—and meet it with greater intentionality once you’re there.

Even if she’s not there yet, this is a beautiful and important time to build the foundation. If she’s already in it, it’s never too late to reengage. So here are a few thoughts to help you prepare, participate, and parent with grace through the shift.

 

1. Acknowledge the Data Without Letting It Define Her Story

Studies show that girls’ confidence begins to dip as early as age 8. By age 11, self-confidence can drop by nearly 30%. Around 60% of girls report rising anxiety about fitting in and feeling liked.

Middle school brings real challenges—social media, shifting friendships, school expectations—it’s a lot to navigate. The pressure is real.

But while statistics tell a story, they don’t have to tell your daughter’s story. Use the data to spark meaningful, candid conversations. Let her know these are the reasons behind certain choices you make. In other words, give her the information that gives her the confidence in decisions being made—invite her into the process when appropriate.

You are not powerless here and neither is she.

2. Be Present, Not Perfect

Middle school girls aren’t expecting us to be perfect, but they do need us to be present. I had no idea just how important this would be.

Taking a moment after school to drive, sit, walk, and simply let her talk—without jumping in to correct or advise—builds deep trust. That quiet consistency earns you the right to speak during the bigger moments later.

I used to set two times a year to go away overnight, just the two of us, and chose places where we could go on beautiful walks. Shoulder-to-shoulder conversations are the least intimidating and more conducive to candor.   

Try open-ended, low-stakes questions like:

What made you laugh today?
What felt awkward?
What made you feel proud?
Where do you notice a friend struggling a bit?

This daily ritual centers her voice, normalizes sharing her feelings, and creates space to open conversation beyond “yes” and “no” answers. Your role in these conversations is to be present and listen, not to prescribe solutions. 

3. Cultivate a Circle of Caring Adults

Middle school is often when girls begin to pull away from their parents, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need adult support. 

Trusted teachers, mentors, coaches, youth leaders—these relationships remind her she’s seen, heard, and valued in the wider world, not just at home.

At Foxtale, we believe in the power of that community. Our IMPRINT Program is just one example of that value in practice, connecting girls with mentors and experiences that foster confidence and purpose. But whether through formal programs or informal relationships, don’t underestimate how much it matters for her to have other trusted adults cheering her on.

4. Help Her See Herself as Capable, Not Just Cute

There’s no shortage of messages telling girls how they should look. She’s quietly wondering if she’s pretty, so hearing it from you is important but it’s not the most important. 

My husband and I made a quiet commitment to always start with character, followed by appearance, when offering praise. We want to be the voices reminding her of who she is, not validating the insidious message that her value lies in her looks.

 

Middle school might not be “the best years” of her life, but they are foundational ones. The kind of years that, looking back, helped shape who she’s becoming. And you can be a significant part of that.

So, take a deep breath. You don’t have to get it all right. You just have to show up—heart open—and walk shoulder to shoulder through the shift.

We’re with you.