A Conversation Starter for Bold Parents

By Kimberly Inskeep

As a young mom, I remember first hearing the idea that discipline should begin with speaking to a child’s heart. I don’t remember the original source, but I remember the impact.

Instead of starting with behavior, I learned to start with belief. When my daughter made a poor choice or hurt someone’s feelings, I was encouraged to begin by affirming what I believed to be true about her:

“You have a good heart.”

Only then would I ask:

“How did that make your heart feel?”

Here’s the hard part for us as parents: it doesn’t matter how she answers.  There is no right response. In fact, she may shrug, deflect, or say nothing at all. And oh my; this is the moment you’re so tempted to teach or lecture. Do everything you can to stop yourself. The fact is, she can likely already predict what you’re going to say. By this time in her young life, tweens especially, she’s already heard and seen what you stand for.

Instead, when you ask this question, something important has already happened: you’ve planted a subtle but significant question inside her:

What is going on in my heart?

That question, asked gently and consistently, builds self-awareness. And self-awareness is the foundation of self-management.

This approach didn’t just shape my daughter; it shaped me. I became less reactionary. Less of the lecturer. More trusted. By leading with belief in her heart, I communicated that I trusted her inner compass, even when it needed guidance. Plus, it reminded me that all behavior is communication.

This isn’t to say there aren’t moments for direct instruction. Sometimes parenting really does require a clear and immediate “Stop!”

But as girls grow, especially around ages seven or eight, their brains begin to develop the capacity for internal evaluation. Teaching her to listen to her inner life becomes one of the most sustainable forms of guidance we can offer.

Why This Matters

Science supports what many parents intuitively sense. Research in developmental psychology suggests that children are born with an early moral sensibility. It’s a kind of built-in orientation toward fairness, empathy, and compassion. Some researchers describe these as “moral sprouts.” They are present early, but they must be nurtured in order to grow into lasting virtues. Without guidance, these moral “sprouts” can weaken under pressure, distraction, or reward-based systems that emphasize compliance over conscience.

By the time our children are 7 or 8 years old, focusing only on obedience or punishment may get short-term behavior change, but not long-term character development. Children develop a deeper moral self when parents model empathy, explain values, and help them connect emotions with impact.

Asking a child to notice her heart does exactly that. So next time, try beginning here:

SAY: You really do have a good heart.

ASK: How did that make your heart feel?

Even if she doesn’t answer right away, you’re doing something lasting. You’re helping her water her moral sprout. Through reflection, trust, and the steady belief that who she is becoming matters.