How what we DO can make a difference for our girls

By Kimberly Inskeep

I have this gut feeling. Maybe it’s not entirely gut since I’ve read a fair bit on the subject. But based on both experience and observation, I can’t help but think we’re getting the “confidence crisis” among tweens and teens wrong. It’s not just about how they feel. 

Yes, to be sure: between the pressures of age compression, the constant scroll of social media, the intensity of peer comparison, the swirl of changing hormones, and the relentless pace of school, sports, and activities, it’s a wonder our girls even get out of bed in the morning. In fact, do you remember when she used to burst into your room, ready to start her day with more enthusiasm than you had energy for? When mornings were full of questions and curiosity? Then, what felt like overnight, the light seemed to dim. Now she moves slower, maybe resists school, faces the day like it’s something to survive. What happened?

That little engine inside her, the one that propels her to try, to raise her hand, to hope, to believe she can, seems to have sputtered. Research backs up the anecdotal evidence I’ve felt in my gut: Confidence isn’t a fixed trait or just a feeling. Psychologists like Lisa Damour and neuroscientists like Daniel Siegel remind us that confidence is the outward signal of an inner chemical balance. 

When raising our daughter, I could actually see how decisions my husband and I made about her environment affected how she felt about herself. That’s because confidence is a complex mix of brain chemistry, hormones, and experiences that shape our sense of agency and worth.

Some of those factors we can’t control like puberty timing, biology, or the external noise she’s absorbing. But many of them we can control, or at least influence. And that’s where we, the loving adults in her life, can step in. Confidence isn’t just something we tell her to have; it’s something we help her build through experiences that steady her nervous system, anchor her identity, and help her feel capable.

 

The components of confidence: What can we actually influence?

Conclusions from 20 years of data and analysis corroborated my own personal experience as a parent. While there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for forging confidence, there are research-backed building blocks that affect the internal chemistry of confidence. 

1. Sleep & Rhythm

I wish I had read Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker while raising my now-adult daughter. I grew up in a home where sleeping in was seen as lazy. Now, I know it’s not lazy. It’s biology. During the tween years, her brain is undergoing an intense remodel, pruning old connections and wiring new ones that support memory, emotion, and self-regulation.

Walker’s research shows that sleep resets cortisol, the stress hormone, and rebalances dopamine (motivation and reward), both of which fuel confidence. Without enough sleep, her brain literally can’t store what she’s learned or regulate how she feels. And no matter how much she resists, earlier sleep is better than later sleep; the hours before midnight are when growth hormones and emotional processing peak. Without adequate rest, she’ll move into adolescence missing some essential building blocks of resilience. Think of sleep as her brain’s nightly reset button — the simplest, most natural confidence booster we have.

2. Food & Fuel

If I could wave a magic wand, I would eliminate processed foods and sugar. I believe these have destroyed children’s health and well-being. The fact is: diets high in ultra-processed foods and sugar disrupt dopamine pathways and affect mood.

Neuroscientist Dr. Uma Naidoo, author of This Is Your Brain on Food, shows that diet directly affects neurotransmitters like serotonin, the chemical tied to confidence, calm, and joy. About 90% of serotonin is produced in the gut, which means what she eats shapes how she feels.

Food is fuel. Every time you pack a nutrient-dense lunch that nourishes rather than spikes her system, you’re helping her brain build the chemistry that can contribute to confidence. 

3. Movement & Energy

Something … anything! Her body was made to move, and movement does more than strengthen muscles. It regulates mood, reduces cortisol, and increases dopamine and endorphins, the chemicals of confidence and joy.

The research is striking: even a 20-minute walk boosts executive function and focus. A morning walk before school helps align her circadian rhythm and improves emotional balance. An evening stroll after dinner helps digestion and releases tension built up through the day.

And if she’s “not sporty,” that’s okay! The goal isn’t performance; it’s simply movement. Dancing in the kitchen, walking the dog, jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike, yoga poses in a chair … these all count. 

4. Connection & Belonging

Confidence doesn’t begin in the mirror; it begins with belonging. Did you know that even eight seconds of sustained hugging releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that lowers stress and builds trust? Psychologists Daniel Siegel and Lisa Damour remind us that secure connection is the foundation of emotional regulation. Simple acts like sitting shoulder-to-shoulder in bed for five minutes before sleep, brushing hair, or holding hands while walking can lower anxiety and boost her sense of safety, the very chemistry of confidence. 

5. Autonomy & Skill-Building

Confidence is competence in motion. Psychologists Albert Bandura and Carol Dweck’s work on self-efficacy shows that when kids achieve small, meaningful successes, their brains release dopamine and build the belief, “I can do hard things.”  You may have heard this called “growth mindset”, and it’s a skill she’ll develop and practice for a lifetime.

I used to give our daughter tasks that were very achievable, but that mattered. We did things she could own. like:

• Set the table for dinner.
• Pack her own lunch once a week. Start side by side.
• Find half the grocery list while shopping together.
• Reorganize her drawers.
• Plan a weekend family breakfast.
• Learn a new skill like planting herbs

Each task is a message to her nervous system that she’s capable and trusted. Over time, those wins layer into genuine confidence, not the kind built on praise, but the kind built on proof.

Confidence may begin as chemistry, but as your child watches your quiet care about small day-to-day decisions, her confidence will go on to be grounded in love.